The Writer’s Memoirs 5-8-2012

In the past few days, I have touched upon pretty much every emotion on the scale, which could perhaps be blamed on those inevitable female things which I suppose can’t be avoided at times. I successfully crawled through the worst Monday of my life, managed to avoid losing my mind, and discovered that one cannot go 24 hours without sleep and still feel like a rockstar (unless you’re Superman, that is). I have very unsuccessfully been attempting to write.

I could of course make school the scapegoat of my poor productivity level. This is the last full week of classes before exams, which means I figure out my teachers really are trying to bury me alive with work, and I also figure out that I’m an even worse procrastinator than I thought. A revelation, I tell you.

These past few days have been hard. I look at the mess that is my novel and I see what it could be, but I don’t feel as though I could come close to doing the story and the characters justice. I feel like such a wanna-be, a fraud, a sham, a pathetic loser endlessly deluding myself into believing that I could ever be successful at the one thing I’ve always believed in, the one thing I’ve always loved.

It just feels as though I’m going in circles. I can’t take a break; I’ve been on one for the past year. I don’t want to write, because I’m terrified and certain that my words will be wrong, that they won’t say what I need them to say. So I don’t write.

And not writing hurts like hell.

One thought on “The Writer’s Memoirs 5-8-2012

  1. There’s a musician by the name of Nick Cave, who once said, “As a musician, I still have to get up and go to work every day. My job just happens to be at the piano. So, I wake up, and go to work and sit in front of that piano, and sit, and sit, and sit. Then I decide to just start playing, writing, working. This is how I make my living, and if I am to continue making a living, I have to go to work every day. Some days, however, I don’t like what I write, but I still have to keep writing. That’s the discipline. Other days, I love what I write. The difference between a successful artist and on who is not, is a good artist knows what to show other people and what to discard. You have to work at it every day, even if you don’t like what you’re producing that particular day.”

    Of course, that’s a paraphrase, there’s no way I could quote that verbatim. I was questioning my own writing and art some time ago, and a friend who is really into Nick Cave passed that little gem of wisdom on to me. Words to live by. Regardless of whether or not you like what you’re doing, you have to stay engaged in your work. All artists question themselves and their work, it comes with the gig, I’m afraid. But don’t sweat it too much, we all have our ebbs and flows. Perseverance is how we get through those self-made obstacles. :)

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